Going through a divorce is not easy for the couple involved and their families. It may bring financial, emotional, and psychological constraints that affect many areas of their lives. As if divorce by itself is not challenging enough, the presence of children further complicates the process. Psychologically, children get very affected when their parents divorce. These effects can affect them, even in their adulthood. And it is essential to protect them through the process and after the divorce as much as possible. Making the process smooth where it concerns children is essential for their wellbeing. If you want a divorce or are going through one and need to protect your children, getting an experienced family lawyer is important. Get in touch with us today at San Diego Family Law Attorney to ensure a smooth divorce. Always remember to put the needs of your children first to protect them from the challenges of a divorce.
Understanding the Challenges Children Face
The reaction of children when they learn their parents are divorcing varies from one child to another. However, there are common reactions that you may find in many kids, and it is crucial to understand what your children could be going through. This is a critical time that both parents, despite their differences, need to be open with their children and discuss the divorce with them. The children need more nurturing and understanding to get through the divorce mentally healthy. When children learn about their parents’ divorce, many of them go through the following stages:
- Many will receive the news with shock and unbelief, they will be in denial of the impending separation or divorce
- Next, they will be consumed by anger due to the separation
- In many cases, depression follows - they develop feelings of sadness and helplessness
- Negotiation is the most automatic step - children feel they can get their parents to reconsider. They try hard to get their parents back together by making promises of how they will be better
- Finally, the children accept that divorce is inevitable - they start to focus on their interests and get their energy back.
How to Help Your Children Cope with your Divorce
Both parents must understand that they still have a responsibility for their children jointly regardless of the divorce. Make time together and explain to your children that your living arrangements are changing. Reassure your children of your love and your constant presence in their lives despite living in different homes.
The process of divorce, in most cases, can be filled with tension because each party feels aggrieved. Despite your feelings, avoid arguing with each other in the presence of your children. Try and shelf an argument for later when the children are away.
Do not use the children against each other. Avoid using your children to spy on each other or as messengers between the two of you. Children must always see that you respect each other, and you are in support of the time they spend with the other parent.
In case your children are facing more challenges, talking to a family therapist may be of help to ensure they cope well.
The following tips can help your children transition well and cope with the changes in the family:
- Both parents need to avoid displaying emotional or physical violence as well as any form of conflict
- Continue with the consistency of handling the discipline and rules agreed upon before
- Parents should be supportive to ensure appropriate interactions with their extended family. This is so that the children do not feel like they have lost every family member
- The parents must avoid rigidity and allow their children the opportunity to get involved in various family activities that are important to them
- Parents must show consideration to the other parent by giving them appropriate advance notice for any special occasion
- Parents must share their schedule with each other in case they are traveling and how they can be reached or reach the children if on vacation
- Parents must be civil and have an appropriate way of communication
- Parents should be considerate as they plan their vacations because of their children’s planned activities
As parents, avoid the following because they harm your children and make the transition more difficult:
- Engaging in physical violence
- Making the children choose between either of you
- Interrogating your children about the activities of the other parent or their relationships
- Making promises you are unable to keep
- Speaking ill of the other parent in your children’s presence or within their hearing
- Discussing your problems with the other parent with your children
- Using your children to spy on the other parent or as messengers
- Withholding the accessibility of the children for no good reason
Psychological Challenges for Children
As a couple goes on with their divorce, sometimes they wonder if it is best to stop the process for the sake of their children. This, however, is not always the best option, and many go ahead and divorce. Many parents going through a divorce worry about the future and most importantly, about the wellbeing of their children.
There are various psychological effects a divorce would have on children. The stress and reaction to the divorce will vary from one child to the other, with some being able to bounce back with speed compared to others. Fortunately, parents are ready to take measures that will help their children overcome their psychological effects.
In this post, we are going to discuss various challenges children face when their parents are going through a divorce. Additionally, we shall discuss some strategies that will help the children through the transition.
Emotional Challenges
Divorce comes with emotional distress for each member of the family with the kids getting more affected. They often feel frustrated, confused, and scared trying to make sense of the situation. They wonder why they must juggle between different homes. Some children feel that love is not permanent that if their parents stopped loving each other, they would stop loving them too.
Younger children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. They think the parents want a divorce because of something they did. This fear affects them psychologically, and they fear to express themselves lest they push their parents further apart.
On to the older children, most of them develop anger issues because of the changes in their lives. Sometimes they look to blame one parent as the cause of the divorce. On many occasions, teenagers begin to resent their parents or one of them to a point where they disrespect them.
As parents, you must be prepared for the emotional breakdown of your children and come up with mechanisms to make your children feel safe and loved through the process.
Increased Risk of Mental Challenges
Studies have shown that divorce enhances the risk of mental illness in children. Without reference to gender, age, or culture, many children of divorced parents suffer from increased psychological health issues. A disorder known as adjustment disorder is common in children from divorced parents. Mental problems such as anxiety and depression are said to be more common in children coming from divorced homes.
Behavioral Challenges
Externalizing problems are also common among children whose parents have divorced. Some of these disorders include delinquency, conduct disorders, and impulsive behaviors. In addition to this, children may find it difficult to associate with their peers because they harbor feelings of shame and guilt.
For younger children, most often will throw tantrums when they do not get their way. They may break things and cause a scene until they get what they want. The older ones may do impulsive things on social media to call for attention.
Some children will begin to pick fights with their peers. Parents will continuously find themselves being called to the school to address their child’s behavior. Many children also get into the wrong company. Some may start shoplifting to fit in with other troubled kids. In extreme cases, some older children will engage in taking drugs as an effort to forget the troubles at home.
Parents must be keen and notice the change of behavior and address it as soon as possible. Lack of intervention in the right way will, in most cases lead to worse behaviors that may be harder to change. Fortunately, it is possible to teach your children through various techniques on how to control their impulsive behaviors.
Academic Performance
Most children from divorced parents fail to perform as expected academically. According to various studies, most kids from divorced parents experienced challenges in keeping their grades up. If previously they were performing well, their grades start to drop gradually, while in others they drastically dive. In some extreme cases, some will want to drop out of school while others cut classes and get numerous detentions.
Taking Risks
Older children in their teenage years often engage in risky behaviors after their parents divorce. Studies indicate that many engage in early sexual activities, take alcohol, consume drugs like marijuana, and controlled drugs. This is in comparison to their peers from stable homes where both parents are actively involved in their upbringing.
Studies indicate that children that saw their parents' divorce before they were 5 often become sexually active before they get to be 16. Being separated from their fathers also contributes to them having more sexual partners in their adolescence years as compared to their peers.
Relationship Challenges
When children experience their parents divorce, some of the psychological issues can be deep-rooted that they affect their current as well as future relationships. Research indicates that most people that divorce their parents had divorced. Children can start manipulating their peers or bullying them and putting them down because they want to feel better. They end up breaking every friendship they form because of their neediness or lack of emotional connection. They stop trusting people that come into their lives because they believe they are there for a short while and will abandon them as well.
Some children will not be able to appreciate genuine affection because of the emotional wounds they carry. Some believe they must do something to receive the love and affection they need, and in the process, they sabotage any relationship they form.
Challenges in the First Year of Divorce
The first year or two of divorce is very challenging for children. At the initial stages, children experience various kinds of emotions. Some experience distress, while others struggle with anxiety, anger, and disbelief.
Although this is hard, some kids can overcome and adjust to the new routines without help. On the other hand, some kids never seem to be able to recover and may continue experiencing problems that may last even into their adulthood.
Challenges during Various Events
Typically, divorce most often means children lose significant contact with a parent, and in most cases with the father. When the contact decreases, the bond between the child and the parent is affected negatively.
Likewise, the relationship between a child and their custodial parent also gets affected. Most primary caregivers are usually mothers after a divorce. The mothers in most cases are said to experience high levels of stress due to the pressures of single parenting. Because of the stress, they distance themselves emotionally from the children making the children feel neglected emotionally. This creates a distance between mother and child, and most often, the child feels alone with no support system.
In addition to this, the parent relaxes when it comes to disciplining the child, and the child's parents themselves. Some children experience stress due to changing schools, having to start living in a different home, and having emotionally disconnected parents.
Most divorces result in financial hardships for many. Children find themselves expected to scale their needs down. This to some will result in rebellion and behavioral disorders like shoplifting to get what they want.
Trust Issues
Most children from divorced families often develop trust issues in their adulthood. Because of the hurt they still feel from their parents’ divorce, it becomes hard for them to trust adults as they grow up, and even when they are grown. They don’t trust other people who have their best interests at heart or that they love them. Always they keep expecting people to walk away from them, and if it doesn’t seem to happen, they push them away instead.
Codependency challenges
When parents divorce, they go through emotional distress. Some children find themselves growing up overnight to take care of their emotionally challenged parents. They stop being children and start caring for their parents at the expense of their needs. Because of this, some children end up losing their identity and start living their parent’s lives. The children may think their role is to fix others, and as a result, they skip their childhood years. This negatively affects how they relate with others and their children in the future as well.
Seeking Professional Help for Your Children
Most parents will agree that their most precious treasure is their children. Every parent desires to see their children do well in life and become great parents themselves. Even when divorce is inevitable, every parent must ensure that their children come out of the process as a whole. Seeking the help of a professional to help your children through the transition is nothing to be ashamed about.
When you notice some changes, however insignificant, you need to discuss the issue with your child. Get the children and even yourself through family therapy to help you cope with the changes that must come. In most cases, if these issues are not addressed at their onset, they most likely will develop significant issues.
Various red flags will indicate your child is suffering psychologically. Some of these may include setting fires, being cruel to animals, displaying aggressive behaviors, among others. In extreme cases, some children would injure themselves, lack of being remorseful as well as proof of psychosis behaviors.
Because you may not understand what is affecting your child, getting professional help can help rule out if the child has mental issues. If your child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), the therapist can discuss various treatment options.
Depression can also be a contributor to behavioral changes. A teenager that is depressed sometimes can turn to food for comfort, be constantly irritable while others lose joy in life. If they suffer from anxiety, they may become more argumentative and rebellious. A professional will be able to discuss these issues and find a solution to the underlying problems to improve their behavior.
Parents also have a big role to play in helping their children deal with divorce. As parents, you must be able to put your differences aside and make the needs of the children a priority. Do not use the children to punish each other, to spy or to pass messages to each other. Avoid putting the kids in the middle of your conflict but nurture the relationships each child has with each parent. Find compromising ways to co-parent. Avoid taking bad about the other parent with your children instead set boundaries on what can be discussed. You must rise above your anger to help your children cope.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is never easy. Sometimes divorce is inevitable, but that does not mean that it does not scar the people involved. Just as parents get affected, children are also adversely affected, and it can be easy to forget them when one is focusing on their divorce. Always stay alert of any changes in your child following a divorce and come up with strategies that will help them cope. As you go through the divorce, try to make it as smooth as possible for both yourself and your children so as to avoid psychological issues.
Find a San Diego Family Lawyer Near Me
Divorce can be exhausting, both financially and emotionally. If not done well and with care, the parties involved and their children can have lifetime scars. For this reason, it is important to get an experienced family lawyer that will help you have a smooth transition. Contact us at San Diego Family Law Attorney today for a smooth divorce process. Our lawyers will ensure the interests of all parties involved are well taken care of to avoid creating permanent damage. Call us today at 619-610-7425, and let us guide you to have a smooth transition.
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