Divorce is a challenging life event for any family going through it. When undergoing a divorce, most spouses or parents focus on how to manage stress and how to develop coping skills. Most people tend to forget the most critical factor, the children. Just like adults, children can experience negative emotions, including pain and suffering during a divorce. As a parent, you should prepare and help your child manage the powerful emotions that arise when parents part ways. The San Diego Family Law Attorney is committed to helping people going through a divorce to handle issues that surround divorce. If you are facing a divorce, we will help you in preparing your children for divorce in various ways, as discussed in this article.
Be Honest
A breakup between parents can be painful and confusing for a child. The child may feel like his/her foundation is gone. A divorce means that the affected family has to change its daily routine and the way of doing things. A divorce may also mean that the family has to move from the usual family home. These changes may be upsetting and scary for a child. The effects of divorce can be detrimental if a child is not equipped with the necessary coping skills.
Telling your child about a pending divorce is one of the most challenging conversations. You are likely to experience feelings of constant anxiety and guilt. You may also experience a massive feeling of shame. You may feel as if you have failed your children for being unable to hold your family together. In cases of divorce, children are innocent and have a great love for both parents. How can you break the news of divorce to your children without shattering their world?
As much as you would like to protect your children and save them from experiencing feelings of sadness, you have to be honest about the pending divorce. The first step is informing the children that things are not well between you and your spouse. You do not have to disclose all the details, including the cause of divorce. Whether to reveal the cause of divorce will depend on several factors, including the age of the children. The way you inform a five-year-old about a future divorce is not the same way you inform a teenager or a young adult. In either way, you have to tell the children that there will be some changes in the family.
Address the Children Together with Your Spouse
When preparing your children for divorce, you should sit down and address the children together with your spouse. Present a united front instead of addressing the children individually. Even if the divorce is not a joint decision, you and your spouse should be united in preparing the children for the divorce. When breaking the news, try to use the word "we" instead of "I." You can use phrases like "we have come to a decision."
According to Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Ph.D., you should avoid making accusations and expressing bitterness when talking to the children about divorce. Judith is the author of "Befriending your Ex after divorce: making life better for you, your kids, and your ex." When talking to the children, remember that it is not about you but the welfare of the children. Even when preparing your children for divorce, the children need to be confident that their parents can still work together.
Address the Entire Family
When preparing your children for divorce, it is advisable to have a conversation with the entire family together. After addressing all the children together, you may decide to follow up on each child separately. However, at times, it may be appropriate to address each child individually. For instance, you may feel that the older child's reaction is likely to affect the younger child negatively. In this scenario, you may decide to speak to each child separately. A school-going child or a teenager understands the concept of divorce better than a toddler. The reaction to the news of the pending divorce will depend on the age of the child.
Assure the Child That it is Not His/Her Fault
A conversation about a pending divorce should be planned. As a couple, you need to come up with a well-thought message to your children. You have to carefully let the child know that he/she is not the cause of your divorce. It is common for children to blame themselves in the face of divorce. Children may feel as if their rebellion or bad conduct led to divorce. Inform the children that mom and dad have been having some problems, which have nothing to do with them. Even if you and your spouse continuously argue about parenting issues, you have to assure the children that the divorce has nothing to do with them. Encourage the children that although you and your spouse often disagree on issues about their upbringing, it is not their fault. Assure the children of the love that you and your spouse have for them.
-
Promise the Children of your Unending Support
Children should know that no matter what happens after a divorce, you and your spouse will always be their parents. A child has to be sure of the guaranteed support from both parents even after divorce. One parent may move away after divorce, assure the children that no matter where you are living, you will always be their mother or father. Let the children feel that no one else will ever replace you as their parents. Assure the children that you will not abandon them after the divorce.
The Children Will Always be Safe
Children with intact families experience a sense of satisfaction and security because a complete family acts as the children's foundation. No matter what a child faces out there, he/she finds comfort in the family unit. Divorce breaks the very foundation of a child's sense of security and belonging. When preparing a child for divorce, you have to assure the child that he/she will always be safe even after the divorce.
The child needs to know that even if there will be some changes in the family, you will always protect and take care of them. Inform the children that you are making some crucial decisions for the family and that the children are an essential part of those plans. Remind the children that they should take things easy and allow you and your spouse to take care of things. This assurance will help the child relax and know that there is nothing to be afraid of. The children will be sure that even after divorce, they will still have food on the table. The children will also rest assured that even after divorce, their education will be taken care of.
Divorce is not About Blame
No matter how ugly things are between you and your spouse, you must inform the children that a divorce is about change and not about blame. No matter how tempted you feel, avoid turning your children against your spouse. Let the children know that although divorce is a scary process, your family is only undergoing change and change is good. The children should understand that life is about making some changes. Encourage children that even if change means that things will be different, it does not mean that things will be bad.
Although your children will take time to get used to the new changes in the family, things will eventually be okay. You have to make the children understand that the changes that occur in a family after divorce do not depend on who is right or wrong. Instead, divorce brings a new way of doing things in the family. Do not encourage the children to blame either spouse. Instead, encourage the children to see the new way of doing things after divorce as a positive change.
Everything Will Work Out
In the face of divorce, children experience a feeling of uncertainty about how things will be in the future. You have to encourage your children that although the future may seem uncertain, all will be well in the end. Assure the children that although there will be some changes, they will get used to the new changes. Be honest and state that new responsibilities may arise and there may be some changes in the family schedules. Assure the children that after all the changes, they will look back and appreciate how far they have come. They will appreciate how well they handled the changes.
Be Ready for Mixed Reactions from the Children
You have to brace yourself for the children's reaction after informing them of your intention to divorce. Children tend to be egocentric. Their response will revolve around how the divorce is likely to affect their lives. Do not be surprised if your child asks you if he/she will still celebrate his/her birthday party after the divorce. The children may seek to know whether their friends will still be able to come over and spend time at the family house.
At times, children may have intense reactions to news about a pending divorce. According to Dr. Robinor, some children may yell, cry, or retreat to their rooms. The children may also slam doors as their way of expressing frustration. As a parent, you understand your child best. You will, therefore, decide whether your child needs some time alone to allow him/her to absorb the news about the divorce. You also understand whether all your child needs is an assuring hug to help him/her know that all will be well. Do not restrain the children from expressing how they feel. Instead, allow them to express their reactions freely.
Be Ready for Questions
Your children may take some time to process the news. As the separation and divorce process proceeds, you should expect to have many more conversations with your children. The first conversation about divorce acts as a door opener for other discussions and questions. According to William Doherty, Ph.D., the director of family therapy at the University of Minnesota, you and your spouse should be open to questions from your children. Be very open and honest to the children and address any concerns they may have.
Legitimize the Feelings of the Children
By studying your kid's behavior, you can get a clue about their feelings of anger or sadness. You can help your children to translate their feelings into words. For instance, you may start a conversation by saying, "it seems you are feeling disappointed right now." You may encourage your children to disclose what is making them sad. Even if it may be hard to listen to the frustrations of your children, you have to practice to be a good listener to them.
Legitimize the feelings of your children. As a mother, you can say, "I know you feel sad that you will no longer have dad staying with us." You must assure the kids that their feelings are valid, and they are not odd. It is advisable to encourage the kids to release all feelings trapped within them.
Offer support to the children. You do not have to ask the children what they think would make them feel better as they may also not have an answer to that question. Instead, you can come up with some suggestions and activities that may help the children relax. For instance, take a walk with the children or do some other fun activities together.
Take Care of Yourself
You can only prepare your children for divorce and prevent them from suffering stress by ensuring that you are in a good state of mind and body. Separation and divorce are very stressful, and it is common for a spouse to undergo an emotional breakdown. In the face of stressful situations like a divorce, most people tend to neglect their health. You have to take care of your emotional well-being as a parent and your physical health. This will ensure that you are in good shape to offer much-needed support and encouragement to your children.
Consult a San Diego Divorce Lawyer Near Me
Divorce is a stressful process for both parents and children. By preparing your children for divorce, you can help ease the negative emotions and struggles that may occur when the divorce finally takes place. You can prepare the children by informing them of your decision to end the marriage. Avoid blaming each other by making the children understand that divorce is a necessary change. For more information on divorce issues, please contact the San Diego Family Law Attorney at 619-610-7425 today.
